Dreaming when you're awake is the worst kind of dreaming. Because you know that everything around you is real, but somewhere between what is real and what is not are the shadows. Because in this waking dream I saw it. I saw you kill yourself and I saw me watching as your life left. I wanted to scream but didn’t know how. I bit my lip and I tasted the blood, I still do, even though there is no blood in my mouth. I remember seeing the columns of scars and cuts on me, the scissors in my hand ready to do it again. I saw us all at the fire where we were all supposed to be happy. I saw all of us just simply watching it. I never even knew you left. I just know I did. I saw myself walk inside grab something sharp and then wander outside, leaving the hoodie that covered the scars lying at the edge of the trees. I saw myself carefully stepping around trees and then there you were, crumpled on the ground the last of your blood trickling from you writs. I can still smell it, the smell of the fire on your clothes, the stickiness of the blood that I didn’t realize I was covered in until later. I remember falling to my knees, tears pouring down my face but I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t even feel you in my arms when I held you, when I ran my fingers over the gashes knowing that I was too late.
By the time they found me I was soaked in blood, a beautiful mixture of yours and mine. I didn’t know where I began and you ended, except now there was no you, just a lifeless corpse in my arms soaked in your blood and mine. When they saw us she screamed and he just walked over and stared, first at my bleeding, scared arms, then at you and your scars. This time he knew that the lines bleeding on me were your fault. I saw him get so mad, madder than I ever imagined he could be. That anger only lasted a second. He pulled me away from you and I fell back, landing at her feet, her tears landing on my face and arms washing away blood that I never wanted to go away, knowing that it was all that was left of you. Then she fell too and she cried whispering, "How could you? Oh my god how could you?" Then quieter she whimpered, "I loved you...I loved you." She never even knew I was in front of her. We clung to each other and cried never realizing the other was there. He walked away, to the house and called the paramedics. It was then I knew that I wanted to die; I knew that you were the only one I had ever promised that I would live, that my death would never be my own fault. Without you those promises meant nothing, you broke your promise and now I was going to break mine...
It was so real. I can still smell the woods and the dying fire. I can taste the blood. I can feel the cool night air against my arms. I feel the scissors in my hand, pressed against my skin. I can feel you not breathing in my arms. I feel the wind blowing through my hair. And I hear the sirens, coming to take you away. Then I realized that here I am, still in my room. Nothing bad has happened and you are safe, you are with Matt, exactly where I pictured you dead.